Tired of being sick, having food allergies, or whatever the F

Warning- I will ramble in this one, but try to make it coherent.

I am so sick of being... sick. Not a cold, flu or anything like that. Just the random food allergies that I have or supposedly have. Since I was 25, I discovered (I think) that I was lactose intolerant. Over the years I've fought with this, trying little bits here and there. Sometimes having success, other times crashing and burning horribly. A few weeks ago, I had a yearly checkup and the doctor mentioned that she thought I had Celiac's disease, or allergic to wheat gluten. I looked it up and sure as heck, it looked like I had it as I had a number of the symptoms. I got the test she suggested, just the blood test though, not doing the endoscopy thanks. The test came back negative. Now I am completely dumbfounded. I then read an article in Men's Health that the newest "intolerance" to come about the past few years is a Gluten Intolerance. So now... what the F do I have? I honestly have no idea at this point. I did do some reading about gluten and talked to my doc again regarding it. I learned that one of the reasons gluten intolerance is becoming prevalent is the fact that the wheat is now genetically altered in a lot of foods. I had no idea... WTF?!?!?!?!? We can't just leave things as God made them, no we got to F with them to make them "better" and in the process screwing them up. Maybe I'll go back to being Vegan. I just don't know at this point. I didn't have near the issues when I was Vegan during my injury (long story there), so maybe thats the answer. I just don't know anymore... 

"Stolen" Questionnaire

I read this on a blog I follow and could not resist reposting and inserting my own answers. Needless to say this has been "borrowed" many times. It kind of reminds me of one of the FB notes I did when I first joined up. Wow how my answers have changed in two years, maybe I'll do that one here as well.

Enjoy... or not ;)

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

My idea of perfect happiness... that seems to change from time to time. It definitely involves being around or close to my daughter. She is the light of my life and without her, I don't think I would have found the strength to keep going in some of my darkest hours. I'd also like to find a mate that is perfect... for ME. I see the mistakes I made, the misconceptions I had regarding what I wanted in a mate, and feel I can see things more clearly now that I am older. I just want to be happy, as stress free as possible and have as many of my loved ones (friends and family) around me as I can.

What is your greatest fear?

Losing my daughter. I could expound on why, but then I'll just get all emotional.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Interesting question. There are a few possibilities but I'd have to go with Miyamoto Musashi. The greatest Japanese swordsman of all time. His philosophies in his Book of Five Rings can be applied to many aspects of life, not just battle.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Lack of self confidence... if that is a trait.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Dishonesty.

What do you most value in your friends?

Honesty and loyalty.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

"As I said", "Really?" and others that I won't mention here. ;)

What is your favorite journey?

Watching my daughter grow from this tiny baby who needed everything done for her to the self sufficient, intelligent, and beautiful little girl I see now. I'd like to keep her this way forever, they grow way too fast. But I have loved watching her grow, develop and evolve.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Forgiveness- There are just some areas where it will never apply.

What is your favorite occupation?

I have finally learned to enjoy writing. I was always told in school I should go into journalism. It was always something I was very good at, but didn't want as a career. Funny how things end up as I'm a technical writer by trade and have been for the past 12 years.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

My weight obviously. I really need to get going on it not only for looks but for my health.

What is your greatest regret?

Not being able to say goodbye to my Dad. He did it his way and chose to leave us before myself, my brother and my cousin could get there to see him one last time. He passed the day before we were all to arrive.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Tough one. The who is my daughter, she is the center of my world. The what is the ocean. I grew up fishing and bodyboarding in it. To me, nothing is more serene than the sound of the waves hitting the beach, the view of the sun rising over the horizon as you're sitting out waiting for the next set, and just the smell/sounds of the sea.

When and where were you happiest?

I want to say when my daughter was born, but when you add in the ex... its kind of a wash sadly. I'm pretty happy now, the happiest I've been in a long, long time. I'm been over my ex and the failure of my marriage since December.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would have never had a temper. Its ruined a lot of things in my life and probably will be the cause of my death due to all the stress its caused over the course of my life.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Oddly this comes right after the question about my temper. Learning to control my anger. I have come to grips with it, learned to control it for the most part, and realize now I got mad about a lot of little, insignificant things.

What is your most treasured possession?

Certain pictures I have of my family. My wedding day pic with my Dad that he kept on his dresser until he passed, the pic of my little one in her first portrait, I could go on...

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Losing my child in some manner and having no power to do anything about it. I would be totally devastated.

Where would you like to live?

Hawaii, unless its changed drastically since I was there last. I have lots of family there and it just feels like "home". Its hard to explain, maybe that will be a post topic sometime.

What is your most marked characteristic?

I'd have to say my short, flat filipino nose or as my best friend annoying characterized it, my "pug nose".

What is your greatest extravagance?

Hmmm... depends on my mood really. Oh well, these all can't be perfect answers. ;)

What are the qualities you most like in a woman?

A sense of humor, loyalty, and being very affectionate.

Who are your favorite writers?

R.A. Salvatore and others. I really need to start reading more again.

How would you like to die?

I don't even ponder it. Quickly and painlessly if I had to say something, but who doesn't want to go that way?

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

This will sound a bit childish, but I'd have to go with Wolverine. More so from the recent representations in the movies rather than the comic. I have that same sort of beast inside me, just no claws to go with it. ;)

Who are your heroes in real life?

My parents. They shaped who I am in more ways than I realized as a kid. Having my own children now and being older have opened my eyes to that.

What is your motto?

Although its not my creation, it would have to be "Just do it".

Weather

Snow or no snow... that is the question. heh

Firefox

Grrrrr!

So for those of you whom have viewed my blogs or have blogs I am "attempting" to follow, I apologize in advance. I've been trying to follow other people's blogs and Firefox keeps effing with me. I've turned off the pop-up blocker, made an exception for blogspot.com, and still it blocks. I really don't want to go back to IE, but I am almost getting to that point...


That is all... venting done!

Sleep

Sleep, why has thou forsaken me???

The past month or so, save for a few days here and there, I have been unable to sleep through the whole night. Friends have a number of theories: Sleep Apnea, Anxiety, No Sex, Medications, etc.  I honestly don't know. I have sleeping pills, but am reluctant to take them as I've read and been told they get to be addictive... to the point of not being able to sleep without them. I DO NOT need that. So here I am, up at 4am and wondering WTF!  So far I've been able to knock off a couple of theories but am really to the point of having to give up and go in for another sleep test. This time with that dreaded CPAP machine. Before I do that, however, I am going to attempt to lose weight as that should ease the snoring/sleep apnea... to an extent anyways. If that doesn't work, then I guess I will have to look into it. I tried the nose strips... nothing. I don't even see how they help athletes. I mean really, if your nasal passages are that closed, you must have some sort of issue.

Anyways, just a short post but relevant to why I'm up so damn early! Have a good day!

Aloha!

My Dad

Today my Dad would have been 82. I find it hard to believe. Sometimes it feels as though he's been gone a long time and others where it seems like it was only yesterday I was packing for my flight to CA only to get a phone call from my Mom that he passed a few minutes ago. I'm at peace with it now, I wasn't for a long time. I was in a huge depression for at least 2 years and I still feel the final step is spreading his ashes in Hawaii, perhaps in Pearl Harbor if we can somehow figure out how to do it without getting fined. Yes, my Mom still has his ashes at home, she is having a hard time letting him go too and its now been over 5 years. I can't say that I blame her either, but I believe I need to "bury" him for that final closure.

I think the hardest thing has been that knowing he never got to hold his granddaughter. I found out my ex was pregnant in June 2006, roughly 6 months after he passed. I really felt that he somehow pulled some strings in Heaven and helped with the process. Why? Because I was kicked down there as a kid and we had been trying to have a baby for about 3 years with no success. While I was overjoyed at the fact that I would have my own biological child, it was very disappointing that I knew he would never get to hold her, see her, or get to play with her. I did however take solace in the fact that a number of times as my little one was growing up, she seemed to be looking at him or listening to him talk. I recall a number of incidents where she'd be staring at a spot behind me as I was rocking her as if someone was there. They say that children have the ability to see things that we, as adults, have closed our minds to. I would like to believe that is true. She has also said a few Hawaiian words that I did not teach her nor would she have heard on TV. She's 4 now and speaks of him less and less. I also don't feel his presence as much as I used to. I guess he figures that I am finally doing better and he can let me live my life.

I still miss him even though he and I did not have the most loving relationship. I can only look back now at the fond memories of I have of fishing every weekend with him, working on my Mustang, and doing other odd things outside with him while he was still able to. I hope to pass some of these things along to my daughter when she is old enough for them.

Happy Birthday Dad, you're love and missed!