Letter to my Dad, seven years later...

I have been thinking about it for the past few weeks and I find it very hard to believe that its been 7 years already.  It seems like it was just yesterday that Mom called to tell me you were gone, 1 day before I was supposed to fly out to say goodbye.  I’ve finally forgiven you for that, but I also know that you went out on your own terms, the way you wanted to and I respect you for that.  You didn’t even let Mom say goodbye, you waited until she stepped away to make a few calls and when she returned you had already left.  I’m sorry that I moved away and that I wasn’t there for you and Mom those last few years.  It is most definitely one of the regrets I will carry with me the rest of my days.

I will always believe that you somehow had a hand in bringing Jessi into this world. You had to since she was conceived a few months after you passed and we had been trying for years to have a baby.  I wish could be here seeing her grow up, seeing her learn, hearing her laugh, and watching her play.  You would totally adore her and she would have you wrapped around her little finger as she does with me.  She loves fishing, Spam, and talks all the time about when we get to see “her people” again.  Her people being Hawaiians.  I have an inkling that you visit her from time to time, just like you did shortly after she was born.  Sadly she is at the age when she probably won’t “see” you anymore since I have read that children lose that ability between 5 and 7 years of age.  I still recall her looking at something in the corner of her room, almost like she was watching someone.  I remember asking her if it was Grandpa Pete and she got the biggest smile on her face.  There have been the little Hawaiian phrases she has used as she has been growing up that I did not teach her.  Even the way she squatted down to look at something in the grass when she was 2, she must have seen you do it and was copying you because I can remember that was your way of sitting down without actually sitting down.  She looks forward to June when we are hoping to finally put you to rest in Hawaii and see all of the family, if the reunion is still going on as planned.

I am sure you were happy to see your old friend Butch again, may he rest in peace.  He passed on the 13^th of this month and it has brought back a lot of memories.  I got to talk to him briefly and was able to thank him for all the good times and most of all, for playing and singing at your funeral.  Hopefully you guys have been catching up and playing ukulele together.  

I love you Dad. I miss you every day.

Your Son,

Jason

One in a Billion

My Mom told me a long, long time ago that there are only 6-8 people on the planet that you are wholly and completely compatible with in every possible sense.  Where she acquired this knowledge, I’m not sure and will have to find out at some point.  She also told me that most likely you won’t get the opportunity to meet one of them.  If you do, however, then consider yourself extremely fortunate as the probabilities of such an event are equivalent to a snowball’s chance in hell.  I guess there’s some ice skating going on downstairs, if you know what I mean. 

It has now been an amazing four months since I met (in person) the love of my life.  Although other life circumstances were far less than perfect, it has arguably been the best four months of my life.  You probably wonder why I didn’t say “new” or “current” or something like that.  It is because she is most definitely, without a doubt, 100% “The One”.  How do I know this?  Now that, my friends, is something I can’t tell you because I truly don’t have an explanation.  If I knew the answer to that question, I would write a book, have it published and live out the rest of my life on my “island” purchased from the money I earned from my NY Times Bestseller.  I just “know”.  It’s a feeling, a sense, something intangible that I can’t put my finger on.  Its something that I just know to the core of my being to be true.  

I can honestly say I never thought I would find someone again.  Sure there would probably be women I dated and such, but never one I would fall in love with.  This was a big surprise as we had known each other for probably a year before we discussed the possibility of meeting in person.  It has been fun to go back through our correspondences prior to the time the tone of our interactions changed and seeing how there was a little casual flirting, but nothing really serious.  In all honesty, when I started talking to her, I really had no idea she would become the woman I would spend the rest of my days with.  But here we are four months later and our bond only gets stronger each day.  It has been a growing experience for both of us as we both came from similarly failed marriages and our former partners bear an eerie resemblance to one another in actions and behavior.  I do believe we have a huge advantage that we both didn’t have before though.  We both know exactly what we don’t want, what we do want, and that life is too short to dwell on the negative.  We make the rest of this journey called life together, through the ups AND the downs.  I’m very grateful for having the opportunity to have her be a part of my life, for her trusting me and allowing me to be part of hers, and to be able to come home to her every night and know that no matter how rough the day was, it will be instantly better the moment I see her.  

I love you Lauren and I promise I always will.

Hoarder?

You ever go through boxes or storage bins of items you've had for years and wonder why the hell you have them???

Well that has been me the past few days. I loaded a bunch of stuff into my downstairs closet and decided it needed to be sorted finally. I've gone through boxes that I don't think have been sorted for at least 10 years? What the hell! I've found stuff I never realized I had and so far have tossed two, huge boxes of basic junk out. I'm sure there are at least two more boxes of crap I'll get out of this closet. Bad news is I still have a closet full of crapola upstairs too. Baby steps I guess... baby steps

I swear I'm not a hoarder, but one could really argue that point with me based on some of the garbage I've kept over the years. Time to jettison the garbage and no more excuses!

The Gym

Its just time. I look at myself and wonder at what point did I lose control of this? Well yesterday was the first in what will be many trips to the gym in my future. Why? Well reason number 1 is I need to get healthy and lose weight so I can be around for my family and loved ones. Reason 2 is I am not happy with myself the way I am right now and I need to take steps to change that. And finally reason 3 is that I'll be spending the rest of my life with a slightly younger woman and I need to be able to "keep up with her", so to speak ;)

At the gym last night, I was once again smacked with the harsh reality that I am not in my early 20s anymore. Not only am I a lot weaker than I used to be due to inactivity and laziness, but I just can't do some of the stuff I used to be able to do for various reasons. I remember when I first joined Gold's and the free training session I got, the trainer suggested circuit training for a few months just to get my muscles accustomed to working out again while also providing the cardio benefit. I nodded, thanked him for the workout and then proceeded to try to do things like I had 10 years or so earlier. What the heck did this kid know, right? I realized yesterday that maybe that guy wasn't so crazy. In the shape that I am in, I can't do 4-6 exercises per body part else I'll never move a day or two after working out. I also really need to get my son into working out and I think this circuit training idea will be the way to go for both of us. I plan to stick to it, even if he chooses not to for whatever reason.

I had a real nice workout last night. Elliptical in the beginning, shooting around in the gym afterwards, then a few random exercises for legs and shoulders since I decided I'd start this circuit training thing the next day. But as I looked around the gym, I noticed some things that maybe I was just too focused 10-15 years ago to see. Here are some oddities that I found really... odd yesterday:

1. Two "kids" were walking into the workout area holding hands. I like to think of myself as a romantic, but are you freaking kidding me? You're here to workout, this isn't a stroll at the effing mall. I just really laughed at that one. I'm the type that wants to go in, work out, and leave. I'm not there to be a social butterfly or any bullshit like that.

2. There was this guy who actually had "done" his hair for the gym, with styling crap and the whole deal. What guy does that shit? I did a double take as he passed in front of the machine I was sitting on and thinking "Why the hell this guy looked like he was better suited in a dance club than working out." Definitely shook my head at that one. I still am actually.

3. I just found it amusing seeing the various "types" of people there. I could see the people that were there to be serious and work out, the ones that were there trying to get laid or draw attention to themselves, the folks obviously were coming to the gym for the first few times, and a good number of people who fell somewhere in a combination of those categories. Nothing wrong with any of them, I guess because I had my headphones in, was really focused and rarely paid any attention to people in the gym before.

Well I think that is enough for now. It is way too late/early for me and I am probably not making sense at this point.

I'm glad that I've finally decided to make this commitment to make the gym part of my daily routine and hope that I will stick with it this time.

Thanks for reading :)

Trying to write, again

Wow, this started out as such a grand idea. Thus far though, I haven't done nearly as much as I had hoped. I'm going to try to fix that and intend to write as potential blog ideas hit, hopefully daily. Anyways... on with the show ;)

Light at the end of the tunnel

Finally... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is not the headlight of a bullet train. A few more weeks and my divorce will be officially filed and over with. Its been a rough two years and I am looking forward to being legally free of the thorn in my side. Some people have asked if I am sad about it. I honestly have no idea why anyone would think I would be sad about this. In all actuality, its simply paperwork as its been over since Oct 2009. It just took me a lot longer than her to realize it. I'm happier now and life improves daily. Anyways, just felt like rambling a bit since I never write here anymore. I must try to do so more often. Enjoy!

Goodbye 2011

As I reflect back on this past year, its been one hell of a roller coaster on many fronts.

I've had the opportunity to watch my beautiful daughter grow into a fully functioning, intelligent little girl.  It seems like only yesterday I was changing her diapers and she only knew a few words.  Now, we can talk about anything and everything for hours and have it all make sense.  My time with her this year make me realize how much I missed with my step children and how different things could have been.  (I raised them from 3-1/2 and 5-1/2, but didn't get them for their "baby" years)  Speaking of my older children, they have grown so much too.  My oldest is 16 and though she has had some hard struggles, I hope and pray that she is finally on the right track to get her life in order.  It kills me that she has to live in a foster home and that I legally can't do anything about it, but I do believe it is what is best for her right now.  The transformation of my son is almost amazing as my little one.  Somehow he went from my little boy, whom we always thought would be short like his biological sperm donor, to this big, tall young man who seems to get these delusions of grandeur that he is stronger than me and can beat me up.  In all honesty, I do enjoy that part of it and I know at some point he will be the stronger. I don't tell him that of course and keep emphasizing that Dad will always be king.  I wish I could spend more time with all of them and do I cherish the time that I get to have. Its not always much, especially with the older two as the ex would not give me any legal rights to them, but I try to make the best of it.

I've been extremely thankful and fortunate to have maintained the same consulting position all year, which has been a huge blessing.  I've met some fantastic people working on this project, made some great friends, and have learned many new things.  There have been the busy and the slow days, of course. The busy ones want to make my head explode and the slow ones make me want to shoot myself.  But all in all, I haven't enjoyed a job this much in a long, long time. (Other than the night jobs, of course, but that is a whole story in itself)

I got back to doing things for me…mainly golf and fishing. I allowed those parts of me to be taken away when we moved for the ex's job to VA in 2003 and this year I was finally able to start being "me" again.  I still have a lot to do, like getting my lazy ass back in the gym.  That is my number one goal for this year, get healthy and lose this weight that is lessening my lifespan by leaps and bounds.  Some will say I'm just making another New Year's Resolution that I won't keep, but this is different.  I made this decision last month and its just been slow, due to various circumstances, to put all the pieces in place to get going.  I think the hardest thing will be the discipline with the food.  I'm definitely a depression eater.  The good part of that, if there is one, is that I don't drink much at all anymore. I can’t recall the last time I've been "hammered" and I maybe have 1 drink a week and its always on a night when I do not have my daughter. 

I finally got back in the dating game, so to speak.  I dated a wonderful woman in the first part of the year, but unfortunately it did not pan out as I would have liked.  She did make me realize that I can be me and people will still actually like me.  I do believe she helped me repair a lot of the "damage" I allowed the ex to inflict.  I found a lot of the "old me" after being with her.  I also had a "friend" who lived in another state and while I thought it looked to be very promising, turns out it wasn't. I'm not even sure why as she just stopped talking to me without a word and no reason.  I attempted to contact her numerous and at least get a reason or a "Fuck off and die", but I couldn't even get that.  I do wish her the best in her life and thank her for teaching me to never be too trusting… one of my fatal flaws.  What's in store for the future?  I honestly don't know…I guess it will happen when its supposed to happen.  Or maybe I've met her already and things just haven't fallen quite into place yet.  Only time will tell…

My goals for the coming year?  Definitely get my divorce finalized and behind me.  In reality, we have been separated since Jan 2010, but I just want it legally done and over with.  I want to get healthy and in shape again, not only for myself but for my kids.  And most importantly, I want to be the best Dad I can be for my kids and help them all to have a happy 2012.

Happy New Year's everyone!

Circumvention

Circumvention, defined as "to go around or bypass".

Today at work I was able to apply this word to two processes that were clearly outlined to me earlier in the month.

The first scenario - Circumvention of a process. I won't go into specifics as it wouldn't be a good idea. But lets just say there was a process flow established for the approval procedure of a set of documents. It was agreed upon by those above me and now, all of a sudden, its as if there was never a process established at all. I sent out an email this morning reminding everyone of the "correct" procedure. I get replies of what the "current" procedure is and to continue with the "current" procedure. WTF?!?!? I'd really not think this was too much of an issue normally, but since I am responsible for reporting on the status of the aforementioned documents, if the process I helped model isn't followed, I have no idea where any of the documents are in the approval process. As I have to supply my group director with the status details of each document so he can report to his higher ups, this is NOT a good thing. It had me extremely pissed earlier and generally crapped all over my day. I heard no more replies the rest of the day, tomorrow is going to be a dice roll for sure. I may go in extra early, just for spite.

The second scenario – Circumvention of a philosophy and simple logic. As with most processes, there are sometimes…how shall I say…"necessary" deviations from that process in order to complete the task. We were told in a meeting, however, that if we could avoid these "deviations", it would be in our best interests and in the best interests of the project. The less deviations from the process or procedure, less questions a regulating body will have when they come in to perform an inspection. Today went against all of that and instead of updating one of the documents, it was deemed absolutely, 100% necessary to deviate from the process. You're thinking "what the heck is wrong with that, right?" Well, as this document was not yet being used and won't be for another few weeks, it was more logical to just update said document and avoid the whole deviation. Initially a coworker of mine was directed to go with the deviation, even though it made more sense to update the document prior to using it. However, the coworker held his ground and was able to convince the powers that be that updating the document was indeed the correct response rather than a deviation. This just added to already "wonderful" day. Luckily it was resolved correctly and the right action is going to be taken.

This probably makes no sense to anyone and I apologize for that. I also apologize for the fact that I'm extremely vague, but that is a necessity as this is work related. I had to vent it somewhere, so thank you for listening and indulging in my rambling.

I shudder to think what adventure await me tomorrow and I'm not really sure if I'm up to the task. But it is Friday and I can go in knowing that at the end of the day, I get to leave it all at work for two days before I have to deal with it again. 

The Abyss

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this, but that stems from the fact I'm not sure why I am so damn depressed. This has been a shitty weekend. It looked to be pretty good, despite the weather, but it went straight to hell and hasn't improved. I wish I had answers as to why I feel like I do and I really don't want to talk about it, so I figured I'd spew a few lines of garbage about it and maybe that will make some of it go away. We'll see what happens. I guess there are things in my life I perceived as positives, but they really aren't. Only time will tell, right now I just want to climb into a dark abyss and not climb out. Oh wait, I'm already headed down that road... to be continued

The Ball of Hate

Where do I start? This all stems from a pissy morning on Friday and post to Twitter inspired by some idiot who doesn't sit in my cube was sitting in the chair behind me acting like he owned the place. Friday was NOT his day. Luckily he left, so I didn't have to snap his neck.

The Ball of Hate- This concept is not mine, but a great friend of mine whom I worked with at Wegmans in Virginia. We worked overnight in the grocery department and this particular Wegmans was one of the busier stores in the whole chain. Lots of volume, I'd give numbers but unless you work in the industry, it would be pointless information. We always had to bust our asses, nearly every night, to get done on time and the order for the next day entered by 5am. I had begun noticing that when we were particularly busy, my buddy would almost drop into a zone where he was very angry, ignored most of what everyone said, and flew around like a banshee. The catch was that the work got done amazingly quick. After breakdown one time (unloading the truck and stacking stuff on carts to go to their appropriate aisles), I asked him why he was so pissed. He just laughed and said he wasn't. I was like "What???" Now I'm thoroughly confused. So I asked him "Why did you seem so mad earlier, but now that we're done you're all smiles again?" His answer, "The Ball of Hate."

The Ball of Hate, as he explained it, was something generated from within. You basically thought of things that really pissed you off, focused it into this imaginary little ball inside you and let it feed your anger to the point of being on the verge of explosion. I asked "Why?" His Answer, "To work faster." My analysis- To release the adrenalin necessary to work faster and harder for a sustained period of time. I liken it similar to how an athlete gets up for a big time and goes to that next level, though not quite the same except maybe in football.

I was intrigued by it actually and wondered if I could create this Ball of Hate too. I thought of the things that pissed me off, the people who hurt me and really made me mad. Lo and behold I could and man did I work faster. I scared people, but I did work faster. To further the rush, I added some Stacker II weight loss pills which were just basically caffeine and herbs to amp you up, and some really angry, violence inducing music like "Bodies" by Drowning Pool, "Wait and Bleed" by Slipknot, "Stricken" by Disturbed, etc. You get the idea, not "nice" music. You put all those factors together and I became quite the cyclone at work. Granted I did throw things I wasn't supposed to and threw things at people who weren't working fast enough, but I got the job done. The goal was always to be done before the boss got in at 11 and we rarely missed the mark.

With all that’s gone on in my life the past few years, I've not tapped into this angry energy as one of the things I've tried to do is control/eliminate my temper. But now…it may be time to welcome it back for reasons to be discussed later. Only time will tell...

The Quest To Being Healthy Begins Anew

As I've mentioned in a few posts, I've tried to diet unsuccessfully since I moved out of the house back in May of last year. I lacked the proper motivation... apparently... until now.

I was given a huge motivational push and perhaps a sign from God on this past Saturday afternoon regarding my overall health, my weight and lack of losing it. Some may even look at it as the proverbial 2 x 4 to the side of the head, in the hopes of knocking some sense into me. In any case...

I had taken my son and little one to see Captain America, outstanding movie by the way. As we were walking out of the theater, we to got the bottom of the stairs and my daughter says to me "Daddy, you need to go play more". I looked at her thinking what the heck could she be talking about so I asked, "What do you mean baby?" Her reply "Daddy, you need to go play so your belly can be smaller." I looked at her again, wondering where the heck this came from. My son remarked "Wow, that was mean!" I disagreed completely. My little one is almost 4-1/2 years old and is not capable of malice, I KNOW my little girl. It really got me to thinking about my weight, my future, and her future.

What have I taken away from this? I take a few things from it actually.

1. It is definitely time for me to get off my ass and fully commit to losing the weight I need to in order to be healthy.
2. My little girl really loves me and wants me to be around.
3. I also believe its God's little way of nudging me in the direction of getting back on a proper diet and exercise program.

I know what I need to do, have the tools to do it and have been paying for a gym membership that is way underutilized. With these things in mind, I am hoping that this is the final push I need to stick with this 17 Day Diet or at least and the exercise plan I've devised for myself. Only time will tell, but I believe that its time to do something about it now, as I really want to be around to see my little one get married and experience the joy of being a grandfather.

Its time...

That’s all for now.

Randomness

Well, now that I'm all done redesigning/destroying my blog, I may as well write something, right?

Its a little after 6am and I've been up now for about 2 hours. This day is really going to suck I think. I have lots to do since I basically just played with the kids all day yesterday and I know I am going to be too tired to do it later. Should I go back to sleep? Yes, because I'll be useless later if I don't. No, because if I do, I won't wake back up until noon or so. Ugggghhhh!

On another note, I really need to get this wrist looked at or figure out some home remedy for tendonitis. Now that its hurting so much, I'm outta here.

Fishing Fail

Well, I attempted to take my ADD, computer addicted son fishing again today. Luckily I was smart enough NOT to shell out the $110 for the boat only to have him bored after the first 30 mins of fishing. I guess, due to various factors, he doesn't have the love for it that I do and today was no exception. We went to the same lake, but fished off the bank. Lots of nice shore access to fish from so it wasn't that bad really. But did he get bored again? Of course he did! F... I give up. LOL We stayed maybe an hour or so and I gave up. He was just sitting there playing with his phone and I decided we may as well just leave. Unless I can get my little one interested in it, I guess I will be going it alone. I have no issue with this, I had just hoped to involve my son in something that my dad had gotten me into. Ah well... epic fail for me I guess.

Really...

Just a quick post here. I have really neglected my blog and I really need to make an effort try to write here. The last few months have been a whirlwind of good and bad with work, the divorce, and other things. Once I get things wrapped up with the ex, I definitely see a long post coming for that. LOL Thanks for reading, if you are and I will write more eventually.

Enjoy!

First time on the course in YEARS

     I had an enjoyable nine holes of golf after work yesterday. It was the first time I've golfed since 2003. I've been to the range maybe 7 times total in those 8 years and it clearly showed. They say the first thing to go is your game around the greens. My friends, the rumors are true. I could not chip or pitch to save my life. My putting was horrid too. I had a few decent drives and a few decent iron shots, but overall you could tell I had not played in a very long time.

     The course itself, Pocono Manor, East Course, was pretty long. It was roughly 6400 yards, but its spread out over the property. This was quite different than what I was used to in California. I guess, due the premium price for real estate in Southern California, the course are more compact. Same yardage amounts, for the most part, but just lots closer together. Does that make sense? The condition of the course… well, that left a lot to be desired. The greens were in fair to poor condition, the fairways were decent. The worst of all were the carts and cart path. The cart path has clearly not been maintained in YEARS. We could have used a 4x4 golf cart to navigate it properly. Then we get to the carts…they are obviously older, weren't clean at all, and to top it off, the one I was in died. We were able to push start it twice, but then it crapped out completely. This was around 7:40pm, we were supposed to be off the course by 8pm We were going to make it no problem, until the cart died. I called the Pro Shop three times before finally getting a live person. I was then put on hold until I somehow got transferred to the phonemail of the General Manager of the resort. I left him a fairly hostile message and it appears it worked as we all got a free round of golf to use at our convenience.

     All in all, I did have a great time with the guys. It was nice as it wasn't crowded, so there was no one "pushing" us from behind as I was used to in California. I am definitely looking forward to going again, possibly this Friday to use our free round.

The NBA is fixed and I HATE the Heat

I preface this post/rant with the fact that this is solely my opinion and while I believe it to be true, I could be wrong…

After watching Game 1, I come away practically convinced that the NBA is a fixed sport. David Stern and the other NBA higher ups want Miami to win so they all don't end up with egg on their face from the big "announcement" and all the hoopla surrounding it. To make matters worse, the announcers for last night's game were so incredibly biased and praise filled for the Heat. I'm not a Dallas fan, but my gosh, you'd think that the Heat were the best thing to come around since sliced bread. I thought at some point it would stop and they would go back to being the normal, unbiased announcers like they should be. These weren’t the local, hometown station announcers. These were the national television network announcers and they were talking the Heat up like they were Gods. It really disgusted me to say the least. Almost to the point of not watching and I do think for the next game, if I watch it, that I will watch with the sound off and look for a radio broadcast to listen to with the game. I am sincerely hoping I am wrong and that this turns out to be a fair series where the better team wins. But after last night and Dallas literally just falling apart near the end of the third and most of the fourth quarter, it makes me wonder. Perhaps it was just rust from being off, I guess we shall see in the next game. This situation reminds me of how I used to hate the CBS announcers for the Lakers/Celtics finals in the 80s. I'd turn off the sound on the tv and listen to Chick Hearn instead as I was a Lakers' fan at the time since I lived in Los Angeles.

Don't get me wrong, the "Small Three" are talented, well actually "Small Two" because I don't count Bosh as anything more than an overrated role player. If he's so talented, where did he lead the Raptors for the years he played with them? I really can't stand him. I really enjoyed the times Shaq would verbally shoot barbs at him, he deserves them all. D.Wade? I can't say much about him. I like and respect him. He's a great player and not an arrogant, flamboyant ass like a good portion of the players nowadays. Speaking of an arrogant ass, I save the worst/best for last. Lebron. In all honesty, him and his "talents" can go fuck themselves. I can't argue the man has talent and is one of the best players in the league, but he has to be the most arrogant SOB I've seen in a long time in professional sports. Think back, there have been many players before him who where "The guy" of their time period and none of them has been nearly the ass that he is. Dr. J? Magic? Bird? Jordan? No, those guys had class. Perhaps they talked a lot of crap on the court, but off the court and interviews, they weren't the huge A-hole that Lebron is. I sincerely hope the Heat fail and I have hoped for this their whole big announcement. The Celtics messed up by trading Perkins, else I might not even be writing this today since I do not think they would have gotten past the Celtics if they had a tough, inside presence that Perkins gave them.

I can only hope that the NBA is truly a competitive sport and not the fixed, money mongering machine it looks like. If the Heat win, this may be the end of me watching NBA basketball. All it will prove is money can buy championships and that three individual "superstars" weren't good enough on their own to win by themselves. 

Diet-Day something

So this diet... its been an experience to say the least. I just need to muster the discipline to effing stick with it. The good news is even though I've gone off track with it a number of times, I had lost another pound the other day when I weighed. Its time I grow up and start acting like an adult maybe? Take responsibility for my own actions? Maybe look towards my future and the future of my children so I can be here for them? Yeah, I think its time...

My Diet- Day 3

Day 3- I am doing better than expected. I’ve lost 6 lbs in 3 days so far. Yes, I know most of this is water weight most likely, but I do notice my middle is a bit smaller. I still have a LONG ways to go, but it’s a great start. The diet is interesting thus far. The concepts are solid and are things I’ve known for years, it just seems to have put it all together into a diet. I wish I could have thought about doing that as this one was on the NY Times best seller list. I could be thin and rich. LOL

I do have to say its difficult grocery shopping with my daughter. When I’m alone, I can just got the items I want and be done with shopping. With my little one, however, we have to look at everything and its rough. Plus my previous behaviors we’d get all kinds of “fun” stuff like candy, donuts, cookies, soda, poptarts, etc. It was real rough last night. I had MAJOR cravings for stuff, but I managed to get out of there without ruining my diet. I did cheat a bit last night and had 4 of her fritos and abit of her chocolate milk. But not too bad overall.

This morning it was blackberries and plain yogurt, plus turkey sausage with onions. I did have to have coffee instead of the green tea this morning. But I’ll make up for that later. I need to go back and read through parts of the book again as I need some clarification on things and want to see what I have to look forward to in the second 17 phase of the diet.

I also need to incorporate more exercise into this. I still haven’t stepped foot into the gym, its almost like I’m afraid to go back. Not sure why, kind of weird in that respect. I’ve been walking at least. In fact, walking from the parking to my desk at work is ¼ mile. Its also a ¼ mile from my desk to the cafeteria and although I don’t eat there anymore, that is where the scale that I’ve been weighing myself on is located. So I’m walking at least an extra mile every day. But I know I need to add more. A friend on Twitter mentioned her husband benches over 300, I replied I used to be able to do that. I’d love to get there again, so maybe its time to start.

Ok, that’s all for now. Have a great weekend!

17 Day Diet- And so it begins...

Its time, or it has been time and I'm finally deciding to do something about it. I'm starting the 17-Day Diet tonight and hope that this will be the final push I need to be healthy again. Actually I’m restarting as it started it Monday and then had a really lousy day Tuesday and resorted to comfort foods instead of getting pissed off. I guess that’s a plus right? 

I'm really frustrated with myself as I had lost a good 60 lbs while going through the divorce with all the depression. But I've gained it all back and then some. Very, very frustrating!! I have a good friend who has just started this diet and she's lost 10 lbs already, only 8 days in. I've read most of the book and it has some interesting concepts. The majority of them make sense to me and are things I actually have known a long time, just haven't put them into practice. I've noticed that my self confidence has waned greatly since I have put on the extra weight. Even my two older children have remarked that I've gained a lot. So… its just time. I need to be here for them and for my kids, so not only is this a choice for me but its been a choice for them as I would like to be around to see them get married and to be able to hold my grandchildren. This also means getting my lazy ass to the gym. I been paying $30 a month for the damn membership and totally not going. I'm such an idiot and a lazy one to boot. Time for major life changes that I intend to make part of my life even after I've lost the necessary amount of weight I need to lose to be healthy and non-diabetic. I did it before and I know I can do it again. Its just so hard sometimes trying to juggle everything at the same time. 

Hopefully I can keep posting here and update my PROGRESS. I definitely need to do this… its now or never.

Tired of being sick, having food allergies, or whatever the F

Warning- I will ramble in this one, but try to make it coherent.

I am so sick of being... sick. Not a cold, flu or anything like that. Just the random food allergies that I have or supposedly have. Since I was 25, I discovered (I think) that I was lactose intolerant. Over the years I've fought with this, trying little bits here and there. Sometimes having success, other times crashing and burning horribly. A few weeks ago, I had a yearly checkup and the doctor mentioned that she thought I had Celiac's disease, or allergic to wheat gluten. I looked it up and sure as heck, it looked like I had it as I had a number of the symptoms. I got the test she suggested, just the blood test though, not doing the endoscopy thanks. The test came back negative. Now I am completely dumbfounded. I then read an article in Men's Health that the newest "intolerance" to come about the past few years is a Gluten Intolerance. So now... what the F do I have? I honestly have no idea at this point. I did do some reading about gluten and talked to my doc again regarding it. I learned that one of the reasons gluten intolerance is becoming prevalent is the fact that the wheat is now genetically altered in a lot of foods. I had no idea... WTF?!?!?!?!? We can't just leave things as God made them, no we got to F with them to make them "better" and in the process screwing them up. Maybe I'll go back to being Vegan. I just don't know at this point. I didn't have near the issues when I was Vegan during my injury (long story there), so maybe thats the answer. I just don't know anymore...