Letter to my Dad, seven years later...

I have been thinking about it for the past few weeks and I find it very hard to believe that its been 7 years already.  It seems like it was just yesterday that Mom called to tell me you were gone, 1 day before I was supposed to fly out to say goodbye.  I’ve finally forgiven you for that, but I also know that you went out on your own terms, the way you wanted to and I respect you for that.  You didn’t even let Mom say goodbye, you waited until she stepped away to make a few calls and when she returned you had already left.  I’m sorry that I moved away and that I wasn’t there for you and Mom those last few years.  It is most definitely one of the regrets I will carry with me the rest of my days.

I will always believe that you somehow had a hand in bringing Jessi into this world. You had to since she was conceived a few months after you passed and we had been trying for years to have a baby.  I wish could be here seeing her grow up, seeing her learn, hearing her laugh, and watching her play.  You would totally adore her and she would have you wrapped around her little finger as she does with me.  She loves fishing, Spam, and talks all the time about when we get to see “her people” again.  Her people being Hawaiians.  I have an inkling that you visit her from time to time, just like you did shortly after she was born.  Sadly she is at the age when she probably won’t “see” you anymore since I have read that children lose that ability between 5 and 7 years of age.  I still recall her looking at something in the corner of her room, almost like she was watching someone.  I remember asking her if it was Grandpa Pete and she got the biggest smile on her face.  There have been the little Hawaiian phrases she has used as she has been growing up that I did not teach her.  Even the way she squatted down to look at something in the grass when she was 2, she must have seen you do it and was copying you because I can remember that was your way of sitting down without actually sitting down.  She looks forward to June when we are hoping to finally put you to rest in Hawaii and see all of the family, if the reunion is still going on as planned.

I am sure you were happy to see your old friend Butch again, may he rest in peace.  He passed on the 13^th of this month and it has brought back a lot of memories.  I got to talk to him briefly and was able to thank him for all the good times and most of all, for playing and singing at your funeral.  Hopefully you guys have been catching up and playing ukulele together.  

I love you Dad. I miss you every day.

Your Son,

Jason

One in a Billion

My Mom told me a long, long time ago that there are only 6-8 people on the planet that you are wholly and completely compatible with in every possible sense.  Where she acquired this knowledge, I’m not sure and will have to find out at some point.  She also told me that most likely you won’t get the opportunity to meet one of them.  If you do, however, then consider yourself extremely fortunate as the probabilities of such an event are equivalent to a snowball’s chance in hell.  I guess there’s some ice skating going on downstairs, if you know what I mean. 

It has now been an amazing four months since I met (in person) the love of my life.  Although other life circumstances were far less than perfect, it has arguably been the best four months of my life.  You probably wonder why I didn’t say “new” or “current” or something like that.  It is because she is most definitely, without a doubt, 100% “The One”.  How do I know this?  Now that, my friends, is something I can’t tell you because I truly don’t have an explanation.  If I knew the answer to that question, I would write a book, have it published and live out the rest of my life on my “island” purchased from the money I earned from my NY Times Bestseller.  I just “know”.  It’s a feeling, a sense, something intangible that I can’t put my finger on.  Its something that I just know to the core of my being to be true.  

I can honestly say I never thought I would find someone again.  Sure there would probably be women I dated and such, but never one I would fall in love with.  This was a big surprise as we had known each other for probably a year before we discussed the possibility of meeting in person.  It has been fun to go back through our correspondences prior to the time the tone of our interactions changed and seeing how there was a little casual flirting, but nothing really serious.  In all honesty, when I started talking to her, I really had no idea she would become the woman I would spend the rest of my days with.  But here we are four months later and our bond only gets stronger each day.  It has been a growing experience for both of us as we both came from similarly failed marriages and our former partners bear an eerie resemblance to one another in actions and behavior.  I do believe we have a huge advantage that we both didn’t have before though.  We both know exactly what we don’t want, what we do want, and that life is too short to dwell on the negative.  We make the rest of this journey called life together, through the ups AND the downs.  I’m very grateful for having the opportunity to have her be a part of my life, for her trusting me and allowing me to be part of hers, and to be able to come home to her every night and know that no matter how rough the day was, it will be instantly better the moment I see her.  

I love you Lauren and I promise I always will.

Hoarder?

You ever go through boxes or storage bins of items you've had for years and wonder why the hell you have them???

Well that has been me the past few days. I loaded a bunch of stuff into my downstairs closet and decided it needed to be sorted finally. I've gone through boxes that I don't think have been sorted for at least 10 years? What the hell! I've found stuff I never realized I had and so far have tossed two, huge boxes of basic junk out. I'm sure there are at least two more boxes of crap I'll get out of this closet. Bad news is I still have a closet full of crapola upstairs too. Baby steps I guess... baby steps

I swear I'm not a hoarder, but one could really argue that point with me based on some of the garbage I've kept over the years. Time to jettison the garbage and no more excuses!

The Gym

Its just time. I look at myself and wonder at what point did I lose control of this? Well yesterday was the first in what will be many trips to the gym in my future. Why? Well reason number 1 is I need to get healthy and lose weight so I can be around for my family and loved ones. Reason 2 is I am not happy with myself the way I am right now and I need to take steps to change that. And finally reason 3 is that I'll be spending the rest of my life with a slightly younger woman and I need to be able to "keep up with her", so to speak ;)

At the gym last night, I was once again smacked with the harsh reality that I am not in my early 20s anymore. Not only am I a lot weaker than I used to be due to inactivity and laziness, but I just can't do some of the stuff I used to be able to do for various reasons. I remember when I first joined Gold's and the free training session I got, the trainer suggested circuit training for a few months just to get my muscles accustomed to working out again while also providing the cardio benefit. I nodded, thanked him for the workout and then proceeded to try to do things like I had 10 years or so earlier. What the heck did this kid know, right? I realized yesterday that maybe that guy wasn't so crazy. In the shape that I am in, I can't do 4-6 exercises per body part else I'll never move a day or two after working out. I also really need to get my son into working out and I think this circuit training idea will be the way to go for both of us. I plan to stick to it, even if he chooses not to for whatever reason.

I had a real nice workout last night. Elliptical in the beginning, shooting around in the gym afterwards, then a few random exercises for legs and shoulders since I decided I'd start this circuit training thing the next day. But as I looked around the gym, I noticed some things that maybe I was just too focused 10-15 years ago to see. Here are some oddities that I found really... odd yesterday:

1. Two "kids" were walking into the workout area holding hands. I like to think of myself as a romantic, but are you freaking kidding me? You're here to workout, this isn't a stroll at the effing mall. I just really laughed at that one. I'm the type that wants to go in, work out, and leave. I'm not there to be a social butterfly or any bullshit like that.

2. There was this guy who actually had "done" his hair for the gym, with styling crap and the whole deal. What guy does that shit? I did a double take as he passed in front of the machine I was sitting on and thinking "Why the hell this guy looked like he was better suited in a dance club than working out." Definitely shook my head at that one. I still am actually.

3. I just found it amusing seeing the various "types" of people there. I could see the people that were there to be serious and work out, the ones that were there trying to get laid or draw attention to themselves, the folks obviously were coming to the gym for the first few times, and a good number of people who fell somewhere in a combination of those categories. Nothing wrong with any of them, I guess because I had my headphones in, was really focused and rarely paid any attention to people in the gym before.

Well I think that is enough for now. It is way too late/early for me and I am probably not making sense at this point.

I'm glad that I've finally decided to make this commitment to make the gym part of my daily routine and hope that I will stick with it this time.

Thanks for reading :)

Trying to write, again

Wow, this started out as such a grand idea. Thus far though, I haven't done nearly as much as I had hoped. I'm going to try to fix that and intend to write as potential blog ideas hit, hopefully daily. Anyways... on with the show ;)

Light at the end of the tunnel

Finally... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is not the headlight of a bullet train. A few more weeks and my divorce will be officially filed and over with. Its been a rough two years and I am looking forward to being legally free of the thorn in my side. Some people have asked if I am sad about it. I honestly have no idea why anyone would think I would be sad about this. In all actuality, its simply paperwork as its been over since Oct 2009. It just took me a lot longer than her to realize it. I'm happier now and life improves daily. Anyways, just felt like rambling a bit since I never write here anymore. I must try to do so more often. Enjoy!

Goodbye 2011

As I reflect back on this past year, its been one hell of a roller coaster on many fronts.

I've had the opportunity to watch my beautiful daughter grow into a fully functioning, intelligent little girl.  It seems like only yesterday I was changing her diapers and she only knew a few words.  Now, we can talk about anything and everything for hours and have it all make sense.  My time with her this year make me realize how much I missed with my step children and how different things could have been.  (I raised them from 3-1/2 and 5-1/2, but didn't get them for their "baby" years)  Speaking of my older children, they have grown so much too.  My oldest is 16 and though she has had some hard struggles, I hope and pray that she is finally on the right track to get her life in order.  It kills me that she has to live in a foster home and that I legally can't do anything about it, but I do believe it is what is best for her right now.  The transformation of my son is almost amazing as my little one.  Somehow he went from my little boy, whom we always thought would be short like his biological sperm donor, to this big, tall young man who seems to get these delusions of grandeur that he is stronger than me and can beat me up.  In all honesty, I do enjoy that part of it and I know at some point he will be the stronger. I don't tell him that of course and keep emphasizing that Dad will always be king.  I wish I could spend more time with all of them and do I cherish the time that I get to have. Its not always much, especially with the older two as the ex would not give me any legal rights to them, but I try to make the best of it.

I've been extremely thankful and fortunate to have maintained the same consulting position all year, which has been a huge blessing.  I've met some fantastic people working on this project, made some great friends, and have learned many new things.  There have been the busy and the slow days, of course. The busy ones want to make my head explode and the slow ones make me want to shoot myself.  But all in all, I haven't enjoyed a job this much in a long, long time. (Other than the night jobs, of course, but that is a whole story in itself)

I got back to doing things for me…mainly golf and fishing. I allowed those parts of me to be taken away when we moved for the ex's job to VA in 2003 and this year I was finally able to start being "me" again.  I still have a lot to do, like getting my lazy ass back in the gym.  That is my number one goal for this year, get healthy and lose this weight that is lessening my lifespan by leaps and bounds.  Some will say I'm just making another New Year's Resolution that I won't keep, but this is different.  I made this decision last month and its just been slow, due to various circumstances, to put all the pieces in place to get going.  I think the hardest thing will be the discipline with the food.  I'm definitely a depression eater.  The good part of that, if there is one, is that I don't drink much at all anymore. I can’t recall the last time I've been "hammered" and I maybe have 1 drink a week and its always on a night when I do not have my daughter. 

I finally got back in the dating game, so to speak.  I dated a wonderful woman in the first part of the year, but unfortunately it did not pan out as I would have liked.  She did make me realize that I can be me and people will still actually like me.  I do believe she helped me repair a lot of the "damage" I allowed the ex to inflict.  I found a lot of the "old me" after being with her.  I also had a "friend" who lived in another state and while I thought it looked to be very promising, turns out it wasn't. I'm not even sure why as she just stopped talking to me without a word and no reason.  I attempted to contact her numerous and at least get a reason or a "Fuck off and die", but I couldn't even get that.  I do wish her the best in her life and thank her for teaching me to never be too trusting… one of my fatal flaws.  What's in store for the future?  I honestly don't know…I guess it will happen when its supposed to happen.  Or maybe I've met her already and things just haven't fallen quite into place yet.  Only time will tell…

My goals for the coming year?  Definitely get my divorce finalized and behind me.  In reality, we have been separated since Jan 2010, but I just want it legally done and over with.  I want to get healthy and in shape again, not only for myself but for my kids.  And most importantly, I want to be the best Dad I can be for my kids and help them all to have a happy 2012.

Happy New Year's everyone!

Circumvention

Circumvention, defined as "to go around or bypass".

Today at work I was able to apply this word to two processes that were clearly outlined to me earlier in the month.

The first scenario - Circumvention of a process. I won't go into specifics as it wouldn't be a good idea. But lets just say there was a process flow established for the approval procedure of a set of documents. It was agreed upon by those above me and now, all of a sudden, its as if there was never a process established at all. I sent out an email this morning reminding everyone of the "correct" procedure. I get replies of what the "current" procedure is and to continue with the "current" procedure. WTF?!?!? I'd really not think this was too much of an issue normally, but since I am responsible for reporting on the status of the aforementioned documents, if the process I helped model isn't followed, I have no idea where any of the documents are in the approval process. As I have to supply my group director with the status details of each document so he can report to his higher ups, this is NOT a good thing. It had me extremely pissed earlier and generally crapped all over my day. I heard no more replies the rest of the day, tomorrow is going to be a dice roll for sure. I may go in extra early, just for spite.

The second scenario – Circumvention of a philosophy and simple logic. As with most processes, there are sometimes…how shall I say…"necessary" deviations from that process in order to complete the task. We were told in a meeting, however, that if we could avoid these "deviations", it would be in our best interests and in the best interests of the project. The less deviations from the process or procedure, less questions a regulating body will have when they come in to perform an inspection. Today went against all of that and instead of updating one of the documents, it was deemed absolutely, 100% necessary to deviate from the process. You're thinking "what the heck is wrong with that, right?" Well, as this document was not yet being used and won't be for another few weeks, it was more logical to just update said document and avoid the whole deviation. Initially a coworker of mine was directed to go with the deviation, even though it made more sense to update the document prior to using it. However, the coworker held his ground and was able to convince the powers that be that updating the document was indeed the correct response rather than a deviation. This just added to already "wonderful" day. Luckily it was resolved correctly and the right action is going to be taken.

This probably makes no sense to anyone and I apologize for that. I also apologize for the fact that I'm extremely vague, but that is a necessity as this is work related. I had to vent it somewhere, so thank you for listening and indulging in my rambling.

I shudder to think what adventure await me tomorrow and I'm not really sure if I'm up to the task. But it is Friday and I can go in knowing that at the end of the day, I get to leave it all at work for two days before I have to deal with it again. 

The Abyss

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this, but that stems from the fact I'm not sure why I am so damn depressed. This has been a shitty weekend. It looked to be pretty good, despite the weather, but it went straight to hell and hasn't improved. I wish I had answers as to why I feel like I do and I really don't want to talk about it, so I figured I'd spew a few lines of garbage about it and maybe that will make some of it go away. We'll see what happens. I guess there are things in my life I perceived as positives, but they really aren't. Only time will tell, right now I just want to climb into a dark abyss and not climb out. Oh wait, I'm already headed down that road... to be continued

The Ball of Hate

Where do I start? This all stems from a pissy morning on Friday and post to Twitter inspired by some idiot who doesn't sit in my cube was sitting in the chair behind me acting like he owned the place. Friday was NOT his day. Luckily he left, so I didn't have to snap his neck.

The Ball of Hate- This concept is not mine, but a great friend of mine whom I worked with at Wegmans in Virginia. We worked overnight in the grocery department and this particular Wegmans was one of the busier stores in the whole chain. Lots of volume, I'd give numbers but unless you work in the industry, it would be pointless information. We always had to bust our asses, nearly every night, to get done on time and the order for the next day entered by 5am. I had begun noticing that when we were particularly busy, my buddy would almost drop into a zone where he was very angry, ignored most of what everyone said, and flew around like a banshee. The catch was that the work got done amazingly quick. After breakdown one time (unloading the truck and stacking stuff on carts to go to their appropriate aisles), I asked him why he was so pissed. He just laughed and said he wasn't. I was like "What???" Now I'm thoroughly confused. So I asked him "Why did you seem so mad earlier, but now that we're done you're all smiles again?" His answer, "The Ball of Hate."

The Ball of Hate, as he explained it, was something generated from within. You basically thought of things that really pissed you off, focused it into this imaginary little ball inside you and let it feed your anger to the point of being on the verge of explosion. I asked "Why?" His Answer, "To work faster." My analysis- To release the adrenalin necessary to work faster and harder for a sustained period of time. I liken it similar to how an athlete gets up for a big time and goes to that next level, though not quite the same except maybe in football.

I was intrigued by it actually and wondered if I could create this Ball of Hate too. I thought of the things that pissed me off, the people who hurt me and really made me mad. Lo and behold I could and man did I work faster. I scared people, but I did work faster. To further the rush, I added some Stacker II weight loss pills which were just basically caffeine and herbs to amp you up, and some really angry, violence inducing music like "Bodies" by Drowning Pool, "Wait and Bleed" by Slipknot, "Stricken" by Disturbed, etc. You get the idea, not "nice" music. You put all those factors together and I became quite the cyclone at work. Granted I did throw things I wasn't supposed to and threw things at people who weren't working fast enough, but I got the job done. The goal was always to be done before the boss got in at 11 and we rarely missed the mark.

With all that’s gone on in my life the past few years, I've not tapped into this angry energy as one of the things I've tried to do is control/eliminate my temper. But now…it may be time to welcome it back for reasons to be discussed later. Only time will tell...