Tuesday, October 16, 2012

One in a Billion

My Mom told me a long, long time ago that there are only 6-8 people on the planet that you are wholly and completely compatible with in every possible sense.  Where she acquired this knowledge, I’m not sure and will have to find out at some point.  She also told me that most likely you won’t get the opportunity to meet one of them.  If you do, however, then consider yourself extremely fortunate as the probabilities of such an event are equivalent to a snowball’s chance in hell.  I guess there’s some ice skating going on downstairs, if you know what I mean. 

It has now been an amazing four months since I met (in person) the love of my life.  Although other life circumstances were far less than perfect, it has arguably been the best four months of my life.  You probably wonder why I didn’t say “new” or “current” or something like that.  It is because she is most definitely, without a doubt, 100% “The One”.  How do I know this?  Now that, my friends, is something I can’t tell you because I truly don’t have an explanation.  If I knew the answer to that question, I would write a book, have it published and live out the rest of my life on my “island” purchased from the money I earned from my NY Times Bestseller.  I just “know”.  It’s a feeling, a sense, something intangible that I can’t put my finger on.  Its something that I just know to the core of my being to be true.  

I can honestly say I never thought I would find someone again.  Sure there would probably be women I dated and such, but never one I would fall in love with.  This was a big surprise as we had known each other for probably a year before we discussed the possibility of meeting in person.  It has been fun to go back through our correspondences prior to the time the tone of our interactions changed and seeing how there was a little casual flirting, but nothing really serious.  In all honesty, when I started talking to her, I really had no idea she would become the woman I would spend the rest of my days with.  But here we are four months later and our bond only gets stronger each day.  It has been a growing experience for both of us as we both came from similarly failed marriages and our former partners bear an eerie resemblance to one another in actions and behavior.  I do believe we have a huge advantage that we both didn’t have before though.  We both know exactly what we don’t want, what we do want, and that life is too short to dwell on the negative.  We make the rest of this journey called life together, through the ups AND the downs.  I’m very grateful for having the opportunity to have her be a part of my life, for her trusting me and allowing me to be part of hers, and to be able to come home to her every night and know that no matter how rough the day was, it will be instantly better the moment I see her.  

I love you Lauren and I promise I always will.

Monday, July 30, 2012


You ever go through boxes or storage bins of items you've had for years and wonder why the hell you have them???

Well that has been me the past few days. I loaded a bunch of stuff into my downstairs closet and decided it needed to be sorted finally. I've gone through boxes that I don't think have been sorted for at least 10 years? What the hell! I've found stuff I never realized I had and so far have tossed two, huge boxes of basic junk out. I'm sure there are at least two more boxes of crap I'll get out of this closet. Bad news is I still have a closet full of crapola upstairs too. Baby steps I guess... baby steps

I swear I'm not a hoarder, but one could really argue that point with me based on some of the garbage I've kept over the years. Time to jettison the garbage and no more excuses!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Gym

Its just time. I look at myself and wonder at what point did I lose control of this? Well yesterday was the first in what will be many trips to the gym in my future. Why? Well reason number 1 is I need to get healthy and lose weight so I can be around for my family and loved ones. Reason 2 is I am not happy with myself the way I am right now and I need to take steps to change that. And finally reason 3 is that I'll be spending the rest of my life with a slightly younger woman and I need to be able to "keep up with her", so to speak ;)

At the gym last night, I was once again smacked with the harsh reality that I am not in my early 20s anymore. Not only am I a lot weaker than I used to be due to inactivity and laziness, but I just can't do some of the stuff I used to be able to do for various reasons. I remember when I first joined Gold's and the free training session I got, the trainer suggested circuit training for a few months just to get my muscles accustomed to working out again while also providing the cardio benefit. I nodded, thanked him for the workout and then proceeded to try to do things like I had 10 years or so earlier. What the heck did this kid know, right? I realized yesterday that maybe that guy wasn't so crazy. In the shape that I am in, I can't do 4-6 exercises per body part else I'll never move a day or two after working out. I also really need to get my son into working out and I think this circuit training idea will be the way to go for both of us. I plan to stick to it, even if he chooses not to for whatever reason.

I had a real nice workout last night. Elliptical in the beginning, shooting around in the gym afterwards, then a few random exercises for legs and shoulders since I decided I'd start this circuit training thing the next day. But as I looked around the gym, I noticed some things that maybe I was just too focused 10-15 years ago to see. Here are some oddities that I found really... odd yesterday:

1. Two "kids" were walking into the workout area holding hands. I like to think of myself as a romantic, but are you freaking kidding me? You're here to workout, this isn't a stroll at the effing mall. I just really laughed at that one. I'm the type that wants to go in, work out, and leave. I'm not there to be a social butterfly or any bullshit like that.

2. There was this guy who actually had "done" his hair for the gym, with styling crap and the whole deal. What guy does that shit? I did a double take as he passed in front of the machine I was sitting on and thinking "Why the hell this guy looked like he was better suited in a dance club than working out." Definitely shook my head at that one. I still am actually.

3. I just found it amusing seeing the various "types" of people there. I could see the people that were there to be serious and work out, the ones that were there trying to get laid or draw attention to themselves, the folks obviously were coming to the gym for the first few times, and a good number of people who fell somewhere in a combination of those categories. Nothing wrong with any of them, I guess because I had my headphones in, was really focused and rarely paid any attention to people in the gym before.

Well I think that is enough for now. It is way too late/early for me and I am probably not making sense at this point.

I'm glad that I've finally decided to make this commitment to make the gym part of my daily routine and hope that I will stick with it this time.

Thanks for reading :)

Trying to write, again

Wow, this started out as such a grand idea. Thus far though, I haven't done nearly as much as I had hoped. I'm going to try to fix that and intend to write as potential blog ideas hit, hopefully daily. Anyways... on with the show ;)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Light at the end of the tunnel

Finally... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is not the headlight of a bullet train. A few more weeks and my divorce will be officially filed and over with. Its been a rough two years and I am looking forward to being legally free of the thorn in my side. Some people have asked if I am sad about it. I honestly have no idea why anyone would think I would be sad about this. In all actuality, its simply paperwork as its been over since Oct 2009. It just took me a lot longer than her to realize it. I'm happier now and life improves daily. Anyways, just felt like rambling a bit since I never write here anymore. I must try to do so more often. Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Goodbye 2011

As I reflect back on this past year, its been one hell of a roller coaster on many fronts.

I've had the opportunity to watch my beautiful daughter grow into a fully functioning, intelligent little girl.  It seems like only yesterday I was changing her diapers and she only knew a few words.  Now, we can talk about anything and everything for hours and have it all make sense.  My time with her this year make me realize how much I missed with my step children and how different things could have been.  (I raised them from 3-1/2 and 5-1/2, but didn't get them for their "baby" years)  Speaking of my older children, they have grown so much too.  My oldest is 16 and though she has had some hard struggles, I hope and pray that she is finally on the right track to get her life in order.  It kills me that she has to live in a foster home and that I legally can't do anything about it, but I do believe it is what is best for her right now.  The transformation of my son is almost amazing as my little one.  Somehow he went from my little boy, whom we always thought would be short like his biological sperm donor, to this big, tall young man who seems to get these delusions of grandeur that he is stronger than me and can beat me up.  In all honesty, I do enjoy that part of it and I know at some point he will be the stronger. I don't tell him that of course and keep emphasizing that Dad will always be king.  I wish I could spend more time with all of them and do I cherish the time that I get to have. Its not always much, especially with the older two as the ex would not give me any legal rights to them, but I try to make the best of it.

I've been extremely thankful and fortunate to have maintained the same consulting position all year, which has been a huge blessing.  I've met some fantastic people working on this project, made some great friends, and have learned many new things.  There have been the busy and the slow days, of course. The busy ones want to make my head explode and the slow ones make me want to shoot myself.  But all in all, I haven't enjoyed a job this much in a long, long time. (Other than the night jobs, of course, but that is a whole story in itself)

I got back to doing things for me…mainly golf and fishing. I allowed those parts of me to be taken away when we moved for the ex's job to VA in 2003 and this year I was finally able to start being "me" again.  I still have a lot to do, like getting my lazy ass back in the gym.  That is my number one goal for this year, get healthy and lose this weight that is lessening my lifespan by leaps and bounds.  Some will say I'm just making another New Year's Resolution that I won't keep, but this is different.  I made this decision last month and its just been slow, due to various circumstances, to put all the pieces in place to get going.  I think the hardest thing will be the discipline with the food.  I'm definitely a depression eater.  The good part of that, if there is one, is that I don't drink much at all anymore. I can’t recall the last time I've been "hammered" and I maybe have 1 drink a week and its always on a night when I do not have my daughter. 

I finally got back in the dating game, so to speak.  I dated a wonderful woman in the first part of the year, but unfortunately it did not pan out as I would have liked.  She did make me realize that I can be me and people will still actually like me.  I do believe she helped me repair a lot of the "damage" I allowed the ex to inflict.  I found a lot of the "old me" after being with her.  I also had a "friend" who lived in another state and while I thought it looked to be very promising, turns out it wasn't. I'm not even sure why as she just stopped talking to me without a word and no reason.  I attempted to contact her numerous and at least get a reason or a "Fuck off and die", but I couldn't even get that.  I do wish her the best in her life and thank her for teaching me to never be too trusting… one of my fatal flaws.  What's in store for the future?  I honestly don't know…I guess it will happen when its supposed to happen.  Or maybe I've met her already and things just haven't fallen quite into place yet.  Only time will tell…

My goals for the coming year?  Definitely get my divorce finalized and behind me.  In reality, we have been separated since Jan 2010, but I just want it legally done and over with.  I want to get healthy and in shape again, not only for myself but for my kids.  And most importantly, I want to be the best Dad I can be for my kids and help them all to have a happy 2012.

Happy New Year's everyone!