Saturday, January 28, 2012

Light at the end of the tunnel

Finally... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is not the headlight of a bullet train. A few more weeks and my divorce will be officially filed and over with. Its been a rough two years and I am looking forward to being legally free of the thorn in my side. Some people have asked if I am sad about it. I honestly have no idea why anyone would think I would be sad about this. In all actuality, its simply paperwork as its been over since Oct 2009. It just took me a lot longer than her to realize it. I'm happier now and life improves daily. Anyways, just felt like rambling a bit since I never write here anymore. I must try to do so more often. Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Goodbye 2011

As I reflect back on this past year, its been one hell of a roller coaster on many fronts.

I've had the opportunity to watch my beautiful daughter grow into a fully functioning, intelligent little girl.  It seems like only yesterday I was changing her diapers and she only knew a few words.  Now, we can talk about anything and everything for hours and have it all make sense.  My time with her this year make me realize how much I missed with my step children and how different things could have been.  (I raised them from 3-1/2 and 5-1/2, but didn't get them for their "baby" years)  Speaking of my older children, they have grown so much too.  My oldest is 16 and though she has had some hard struggles, I hope and pray that she is finally on the right track to get her life in order.  It kills me that she has to live in a foster home and that I legally can't do anything about it, but I do believe it is what is best for her right now.  The transformation of my son is almost amazing as my little one.  Somehow he went from my little boy, whom we always thought would be short like his biological sperm donor, to this big, tall young man who seems to get these delusions of grandeur that he is stronger than me and can beat me up.  In all honesty, I do enjoy that part of it and I know at some point he will be the stronger. I don't tell him that of course and keep emphasizing that Dad will always be king.  I wish I could spend more time with all of them and do I cherish the time that I get to have. Its not always much, especially with the older two as the ex would not give me any legal rights to them, but I try to make the best of it.

I've been extremely thankful and fortunate to have maintained the same consulting position all year, which has been a huge blessing.  I've met some fantastic people working on this project, made some great friends, and have learned many new things.  There have been the busy and the slow days, of course. The busy ones want to make my head explode and the slow ones make me want to shoot myself.  But all in all, I haven't enjoyed a job this much in a long, long time. (Other than the night jobs, of course, but that is a whole story in itself)

I got back to doing things for me…mainly golf and fishing. I allowed those parts of me to be taken away when we moved for the ex's job to VA in 2003 and this year I was finally able to start being "me" again.  I still have a lot to do, like getting my lazy ass back in the gym.  That is my number one goal for this year, get healthy and lose this weight that is lessening my lifespan by leaps and bounds.  Some will say I'm just making another New Year's Resolution that I won't keep, but this is different.  I made this decision last month and its just been slow, due to various circumstances, to put all the pieces in place to get going.  I think the hardest thing will be the discipline with the food.  I'm definitely a depression eater.  The good part of that, if there is one, is that I don't drink much at all anymore. I can’t recall the last time I've been "hammered" and I maybe have 1 drink a week and its always on a night when I do not have my daughter. 

I finally got back in the dating game, so to speak.  I dated a wonderful woman in the first part of the year, but unfortunately it did not pan out as I would have liked.  She did make me realize that I can be me and people will still actually like me.  I do believe she helped me repair a lot of the "damage" I allowed the ex to inflict.  I found a lot of the "old me" after being with her.  I also had a "friend" who lived in another state and while I thought it looked to be very promising, turns out it wasn't. I'm not even sure why as she just stopped talking to me without a word and no reason.  I attempted to contact her numerous and at least get a reason or a "Fuck off and die", but I couldn't even get that.  I do wish her the best in her life and thank her for teaching me to never be too trusting… one of my fatal flaws.  What's in store for the future?  I honestly don't know…I guess it will happen when its supposed to happen.  Or maybe I've met her already and things just haven't fallen quite into place yet.  Only time will tell…

My goals for the coming year?  Definitely get my divorce finalized and behind me.  In reality, we have been separated since Jan 2010, but I just want it legally done and over with.  I want to get healthy and in shape again, not only for myself but for my kids.  And most importantly, I want to be the best Dad I can be for my kids and help them all to have a happy 2012.

Happy New Year's everyone!